I had to run to the grocery store last night, and you would have thought the world had come to an end. I had a monsterlette attached to each leg, and every time I took a step toward the front door, the screaming volume increased, and it felt as though I were trudging through quick set concrete.
At the same time I am trying to make my escape, I also feel unhealthy amounts of guilt. I mean, here I am, for all intents and purposes trying to re-enact the Shawshank Redemption, amid screams that would put a B grade horror flick to shame.
Logan has bitten his nails until they are bloody, #6 has been banging his head on the floor, both of them REFUSE to walk on their own, and insist they be held at all times. How could I have overlooked this outcome as a possibility? AND, as if this weren't enough? In three weeks *I* am leaving for 4 days to attend BlogHer. Now I'm the one with the anxiety.
As much as I love Bubbe for flying in from Ohio to tend the monsters while I am away (and y'all know I love her a LOT), I have moments where I wonder if it really is okay to leave. Guess what? It IS okay. It IS okay to crave enough time to paint ALL TEN of my toenails. It IS okay to count down the days to departure, and gleefully anticipate a nap during my flight. And, it IS okay to be excited about attending the Special Needs Mini Con at BlogHer this year. And, two pair of slacks, a couple cute shirts, and some shoes are NOT going to break the bank.... but they sure will do wonders for my self esteem! So, it IS okay to indulge myself while preparing for this trip.
Here are the facts: It has been almost exactly one year since I left the house with only the Daddy for longer than one hour. I need time to regroup.. to find myself again, and realize that there is more to me than being The Momma. It's vitally important. No one can exist solely to be what everyone else needs, and never ever take time to themselves. You die inside, a little at a time, until you no longer recognize yourself. Sometimes depression takes over, and that's no good for ANYONE.
I explain it to the Daddy in this way:
"I love my monsters. I love them more than there are words to express. There is nothing I would not do for them. However, if you love chocolate cake, and all you EVER got to eat was chocolate cake, there would come a point at which you wouldn't be able to tolerate the sight, smell, or thought of chocolate cake. I don't EVER want to reach that point, where motherhood is concerned. Therefore, I'm taking this trip so I won't HATE motherhood.. because it is my greatest joy." He understood.