Wednesday, May 2, 2012

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Grocery Shopping ~ A Sensory Adventure of Epic Proportions

Today is grocery shopping day. I have completed this nightmare task chore effort in futility adventure already this morning, but I thought it would be good to write about it, so others can learn from my trauma. See how kind I am? Always thinking of others.. that's me!

Let us remember that until this school year started, the twinnie monsterlettes had never, ever... not even ONCE, been in a grocery store, a playland, a super Wally World, or a Buy Your Things In Ridiculously Huge Sizes store. When they started school, we slowly, SLOWLY started taking them out to experience things. There was the disastrous trip to see Happy Feet 2 at the movie theater, the trip to Mickey D's playland, a trip to Super Wally World (where I shamelessly bribed them with Hot Wheels).  But the grocery store... that never gets old. We can always count on new and exciting things happening there.

Now. There is a process. *I* know that there will be a point (usually about the time that I still have 75% of my list to go) when the twinnies are no longer amused.  And I also know that this is the point at which they will be grabbing mini bags of chips, or lollies, or pretzels for their dining pleasure while I do a sprint through the store for the rest of my items. There will be no leizurely label reading or price comparison shopping going on at this point. Therefore, we always make sure that Logan has had his allergy meds. Interestingly, there is NOTHING in a rock candy lolly that he's allergic to....

Let us not forget that I live in the sticks. We have a little Mom and Pop grocery that is perfect for us.  It's probably 25% the size of a regular, non-Wally world grocery. No PA system, no forklifts restocking shelves, there are not hundreds of people all shopping at once. There are three cash register lanes. But they are rarely all in use at the same time. I can be in and out of there in an hour or less, and still have all the shopping done for a week for my family of nine. I don't have to train for a 5k so I can hike through the store. And yet, we still manage to traumatize ourselves every time we visit. Here are a few of the things that may happen while we're there:

  • The twinnies may wear sunglasses inside, because the lights are too bright, or they are scary.
  • We touch everything. I'm not joking. Everything
  • We have to debate whether bread with a red bag is better or bread with a white bag is better, because the wrong kind of bag... yeah. We can't even think about such a tragedy. And we don't care what flavor it is, as long as the bag is the right color. Until we get home, that is...
  • We can never go when the hot deli is open. The aroma of frying chicken, the sizzle of the oil, the noise associated with the exhaust fan above the fryers, is more than the twinnies can tolerate. 
  • We must always get juice boxes, a certain brand, a certain color, and if they ever go out of stock, I'm running away and joining the circus.
  • We  start in the produce section and finish with the meat section. 
  • It is better to have to maneuver two full size shopping carts with twins in the seats through tiny aisles, than to stand in the cart bay for an hour having heart palpitations because there is only one child sized cart available, your list is three miles long, and both the twinnies want to push a cart. 
  • It is NOT a sin to bribe the twinnies with a lolly or a juice box while shopping if it keeps the screaming from happening. 
  • If watermelons are on sale, and there is a cart full of them in the middle of everything because that's good advertising, #6 will harass you for half an hour until you give in and pick one out. Just give in immediately. It's easier.
  • If the twinnies are not allowed to pretend they are driving in NASCAR with the carts, there will be all manner of crankiness.
  • Never, ever, EVER, no matter what you do, forget the bologna and American cheese. It does not matter if there is screaming. It does not matter if someone needs a change. Do. Not. Forget. The. Bologna. And. Cheese!!!!
  • The twinnies will touch every electronic button, product, magazine, and pack of gum available in the checkout line if they are taken out of the grocery cart prematurely. No, I really didn't want to use a credit card to pay. Sorry about that. Oops. No, I don't want cash back. Sorry again. Wait, I didn't want 30 lighters! (while giving #6 the hairy eyeball and putting aforementioned lighters back) 
That said, I'm finished for another week. It took three trips, with bags all up and down my arms and gallons of milk balanced on my hip, to get it all from the car to the house. It took over an hour to get it all put away. But the twinnies are now settled, and they have their juice boxes. It just doesn't get much better than that. I survived!
Images in this post from the Google images.

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