Monday, August 24, 2015

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Donuts and Dating

Last night we had the rare pleasure of having the family of my #4's potential boyfriend (Hereafter referred to as PB) in our home. Because I am full of snark and other silly things, I made doughnuts to snack on while we visited. PB's dad is a cop. I'm still trying to stifle the giggles. But, I digress.

The whole point of the meeting was so the parents could meet each other and come up with a plan. You see, #4 is a very beautiful 15 year old. And she wants to date. Really, really badly. The problem here is, in our family, we do not allow our children to date until they are 16. So #4 decided that she could get around this rule, and have PB over when I wasn't home, or go out and meet him in the middle of the night while I was caring for #3 after septoplasty surgery (because I wouldn't be able to leave #3 to go driving around to find her, you see.). This did not go well for #4 or PB, and the parents of the both naughty children  stupid teens kids have had enough and decided it was time we got to know each other and present a united front.

Yesterday was spent scrubbing down the house, so the PB and his family wouldn't contract a rare disease for which a cure has not yet been discovered by modern science. Oh, and there were also several nervous break downs on the part of #4, because I am dealing with a kidney stone, and was partaking of the Percocet. It took me 4 hours and a lot of concentration, but my living room has never been cleaner! I even took apart our sectional and vacuumed under the cushions. That's dedication, people. Don't worry. I took ibuprofen and gritted my teeth a lot while we had company. I don't know these poor people well enough to show them my brain on drugs, quite yet.

As 7pm got closer and closer, poor #4 got more and more nervous, disastrous scenarios swirling around inside her head. The biggest fear was that all the parents would tell the kids that dating was not an option, and they needed to break up. #4 worked off her nervous energy as best she could, scrubbing and organizing my kitchen ( I should totally make her nervous more often. The place looks great!), making dinner, and voicing her concerns. Being ever helpful in my Percocet saturated state, I vowed that I would not let anyone die in my freshly cleaned house, so she had nothing to worry about. She remained unconvinced.

Finally, it was time. #4 saw PB and fam pull into the driveway, and disappeared downstairs shrieking something about not having makeup on yet, and I went to open the door to the Monster House. I seriously doubt the police academy has appropriate training for dealing with the crazy that lives within these walls.

Holy crap, I like these people! They are all kinds of sarcastic and full of stories of stupid people and what stupid people do and ohmygoshimustapprove!!! So, after 30 minutes or so, PB and #4 can't take it anymore, and they go to sit outside on the front steps while we decide their fate. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!! I very gently brought up the subject.

Me:So. What do you think about these kids of ours?

PB Cop Dad: Well, what do *you* think?

Me: Well, I really hate being put in a position where I feel like if I don't conform in some way to their wishes, the problem will just exacerbate. However, I feel in this case that some compromise is necessary. Therefore, I am willing to allow PB and #4 to be at each others' homes, as long as parents are present, and it is arranged with the parents beforehand. But that is all. No actual dating, no one on one time no matter what, and texting happens when they leave one home and arrive at the other, etc.

PB Cop Dad: I'm good with that.


Me: Ok. I'll call them in.

PB Cop Dad: Wait! We should make them think they are in trouble!

(have I mentioned I like these people?!)

Me: GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW #4 AND PB! SIT ON THAT COUCH AND YOU BETTER KEEP AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. Y'ALL BETTER LISTEN TO PB COP DAD AND YOU BETTER BE SAYING YESSIR AND NO SIR. IS THAT CLEAR?! WIPE THAT SMILE OFF YOUR FACE, #4!

*I nearly died, I was trying so hard not to laugh*

#4 is sitting on the sectional, about to pass out, PB is about 5 feet away from her, ready to man up and take the punishment, and then... PB Cop Dad took over.

2 minutes of silent intimidating cop style staring at my #4. Followed by very solemn, "I just don't know where to start."  I take it all back. The police academy has taught this man a thing or two about dealing with the people that live within these walls. #4 was yessir-ing and no sir-ing herself into a frenzy, PB was very very VERY quiet. Until PB Cop Dad told them they could go to each other's homes. Then they were really irritated with all of us, but we were too busy laughing to care. It wasn't until this morning that #4 saw the humor in it all.... and I saw the holes from #4 biting her lip that happened during the stare down...

And besides... PB Cop Dad has handcuffs and a taser. I'm fairly certain the kids will behave at his house. Now I've just got to research ways to keep hormonal teenagers under control while I'm babysitting them.......

Donut police image by Cypress Collectibles
Couch vacuuming by ontargetcoach
Charles Montgomery "Monty" Burns by tomatobubble

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