Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Vote for my post on Mom Blog Network

Bartha Boss

During the last few weeks, life has been a little nuts, and I've spent the majority of my time offline taking care of  things at home. However, I'm a high maintenance kind of a woman. I need something to keep me out of trouble. I really thought that having 7 monsters and a Mighty M with the flu while the Daddy was out of town for a week on business would  have been enough to keep myself behaving. And that's when it happened. I morphed into Bartha Boss.

Now. It all sounded innocent enough at the beginning. I was running back and forth, checking temperatures, cleaning up various unpleasant body fluids that spewed without warning from every possible orifice onto carpet, sofas, and assorted laundry. I was hydrating the monsters and Mighty M with Propel Zero and chicken broth, offering saltines and warm ginger ale. I was doing laundry non-stop.  Then somehow, everyone took a nap, and I actually had more than 12 seconds to myself. This is never a good thing.

By the time 4.6 peaceful seconds had gone by, I was headed for trouble. The house was quiet, save for occasional sleepy whimpers. I tried to behave. I attempted to save myself. But it was too late. The urge to bake was too strong. As if in a daze, I walked in stealth mode to my poor neglected computer, silently turned it on, and logged on to the Hershey's website. Heaven! I saw lots and lots of  glutenous, egg filled, dairy rich chocolate in every possible baked form. They aren't lying when they say they are the chocolate dessert experts. And I had a serious, not to be ignored, NEED for deep dark chocolate cake. It consumed me. There was nothing I could do. It wasn't my fault! "They" made me do it! Y'all believe me... right? I tried to stop myself.  I went on the facebook and warned people. But nobody listened, and like magic, this gorgeous specimen of everything Logan is allergic to appeared on my counter. The house smelled like it had been taken over by Cake Boss... not necessarily a bad thing, you know. I have a deep respect for Cake Boss. Note Cake's last name. This was the first step of the morphing. And it wasn't all that painful. I rather enjoyed it, actually. And it kept me out of trouble for a few days.

But, the flu lingered on. And before long... everyone took a nap at the same time AGAIN. Don't these people know me by now?? Once again, at about the 4.6 second mark, I was in trouble. I realized Halloween was coming SOON. Goodness! A holiday is coming and I haven't....... decorated? Horrors! I was well into the second stages of morphing. Hasn't medical science advanced enough to make a vaccine for this type of nonsense??? I needed ghosts! I needed bats! I needed artful arrangements of dead cornstalks and pretty orange pumpkins by the front door! By the time everyone was coherent again, I had them all. 50 kleenex ghosts to be precise, ready to hang by threads in the windows for that lovely flying effect. Dead cornstalks yanked out of the dead garden, tied artfully with orange and black paper twist, and surrounded by heaps of pumpkins on either side of the front step. I was full of satisfaction in knowing that I had dead vegetation tied in pretty bows next to the front door, and the ghosts of Christmas past made out of snot rags and cotton balls fluttering proudly in my windows. Yes addicts, the second stage of morph was the Martha Stewart  stage.

By this time, the fam was starting to look like the walking dead, with the moaning and the groaning and the wandering around in feverish stupors. They were all achy and full of the belly cramps and demanding warm packs. And we only had ONE rice bag. In case you don't know what a rice bag is, let me enlighten you. A rice bag is like a bean bag, only filled with ~you guessed it~ rice. Also, it's a bag full of rice with elephantitis. It's big enough to use for back pain, etc. You just throw the thing in the microwave for 1-3 minutes, and you get an hour of warm pain free-ness. Since I was now two- thirds morphed, I didn't need anyone to nap to get into trouble this time. I just needed provocation. And I got it. One rice bag would never do! Everyone needed their own! Morphing stage three.... Betsy Ross.

I went out and got fabric that matched everyone's likes. I cut and stitched and filled 9 bags with rice. 40 pounds of rice, to be exact. But I couldn't stop there! Oh, no. Since I had completed my third stage of morphing, there was just no stopping me. I decided that everyone ALSO needed hand warmers that matched their personal rice bags. Because let's face it... winters are cold here in Utah. Wouldn't life be grand with hand warmers in your coat pockets? The monsters and Mighty M had recovered by this time and were enjoying the show. They shamelessly encouraged me. They oohed and aahed and were all sorts of appreciative every time a rice bag or hand warmer was finished. This is not my fault. I was provoked. But you know what? It's been kinda fun going through the morphing. I like to bake. Occasionally, I like to decorate for holidays. And even though I will tell anyone that asks that I don't sew because fabric has a higher IQ than I do, I DO know how. Sometimes my IQ wins. It's been a busy week and a half. Yes, I morphed in ten days. What can I say? I'm impressionable.

But the best thing about all this? The monsters think this is the greatest thing they've ever seen! We have plans. BIG plans. We're going to cover the front of the house in humongous spiderwebs today, and make enormous spiders to sit in them.  How is this bad? We have all the stuff to make cardboard gravestones to line the walkway. Okay. I admit. It's Halloween, and if I had my preference I would go all out with the decorating for Christmas. BUT... this is family time, people. It's precious, and willingness from the monsters doesn't last long. So, if it takes a morphing to achieve this, I'm fine with that.

Mother tending child & Betsy Ross images from the Google. All the rest are real documentation of Monster House Morph.

No comments:

Post a Comment