Here we go: Paper Bag Turkey. The hardest part about this whole "recipe" is making sure to safely and completely thaw your turkey according to weight. Luckily, the USDA has me (and you, too!) covered. Visit their fact sheet for specific instructions for thawing and roasting stuffed and unstuffed turkey according to weight.
Once your turkey is thawed completely, you're going to need the following kitchen tools:
Before unwrapping your thawed turkey, you'll need to butter (or use soy free spread, canola oil, olive oil, whatever you prefer. Just don't.. repeat, DO NOT use lard. Ew.) the paper bag completely. Every seam, fold, and corner inside and out. By the time you are finished, the bag should be very dark brown and translucent.
Next, put all your preferred turkey seasonings ( at the Monster House, we're partial to sea salt, a little white pepper, granulated garlic powder and onion powder.) inside the bag and give it a few good shakes to coat all sides and bottom on the bag. Also, now is a good time to preheat your oven.
NOW, get that bird naked! Unwrap and rinse your turkey thoroughly. Pat dry with paper towels inside the cavity and all over the outside, then slide the bird in the bag. I like to seal my bag at the end with either staples, or a few humongous stitches with a needle and thread. It keeps the moisture in. Also, I always roast my bird breast side down.
Put the bag o'bird in your roasting pan, and toss it in the oven for the time specified by the USDA for your weight of bird. That's IT! No basting, no checking on the bird. Just toss it in and leave it alone until that timer goes off! Check out this picture (that isn't mine. Thank you, the Google!) of what it will look like when it's done:
Perfectly browned, tender to falling off the bone. It will be the easiest turkey you've ever made. Note that I never stuff my turkeys. I always do stuffing on it's own in a casserole dish. Good luck, everyone!
All images in this post by Google images