Wednesday, December 8, 2010

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Obsession, regression, depression

Today Logan had his first speech therapy session in over a month. This was mostly my fault because my memory of the entire month of November is nothing but a haze of humidifier mist, NyQuil, coughing, and fevers until about Thanksgiving. I called his providers and case coordinator and told them to stay away from the Black Death. They thanked me profusely.

I knew that Logan had been regressing, but I had managed to convince myself somehow that it wasn't really regression, but just my tendency to be a helicopter mom.Logan hadn't really forgotten how to say ball or book, or how to sign please and help. He was just being two, and exercising his right to be stubborn. 

We haven't gotten Occupational Therapy through early intervention since late August /early September. That's when Trevor quit, and they have yet to get another OT. Logan has been having meltdown after meltdown after meltdown. There is no reasoning with him. The leg starts kicking, the screaming reaches the pitch that makes most dogs whine, and you just know that you're going to be on this roller coaster ride until his voice wears out, we find a random piece of gum, or the Daddy gets home.

Today, the meltdown included Logan hitting and biting himself as well as his brother. It scares me.This was our"hippie" baby. Our very non-aggressive, non-seeker child who had a smile at the ready for nearly anyone. The child that never threw a fit about going to bed, taking meds, or having his diaper changed. I don't know the child that is now inhabiting Logan's body. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know without a shadow of a doubt that Logan needs his OT. STAT!!

In June, Logan will be 3. Does that mean that even though early intervention did not have an OT for several months to help Logan,  we are just out of luck for that time when he should have received services, or can we ask for an extension?

Last September, I was told that if Logan were to have been diagnosed THEN, he would not qualify as autistic~ he had made that much progress. Now? There is no question. He would absolutely be diagnosed with autism. Everyday he is a different child. There is no more consistency. There is no more routine that we can count on. Everything is a fight ~eating, getting dressed, play time, nap time, "reading" books together. 

I wonder if I will ever see the Logan I know again. The Daddy insists that it's just terrible twos showing up. I can't agree with that. Even with the tantrums that Terrible Twos are known for, there is always some semblance of the child within from time to time. Logan is a puzzle now. I know, I know. Autism is a puzzle. But....... I want my baby back.


mrs. monster said...

Logan and my Little Monster sound very much alike!

And I totally know what it's like to want your baby back. :(

RacersMommy said...

(((hugs))) Logan is there, he's just waiting for his time to shine again. We've been thru major regressions before and unfortunately its also brings with it major depression on my part. But I think like my hubby they want to save face and stay strong for us. Logan will come back to you!

Dondant said...

Kenz is the same way, and we have to fight to get her any help. She hasn't had speech therapy yet, but hopefully soon.

But she does the screaming, biting, head-butting when she has her meltdowns. Gah, I hate the bad days where one just seems to lead to another one.

You can do it though, and Logan will come back to you. Stay strong like you are.

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