Tuesday, February 14, 2012

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Hustle Yer Bustle

In December, the Monster House was struck down with varying degrees of Bronchitis, Walking Pneumonia, and colds. It was not a pretty sight. I had a persistent, not even remotely fun infection and cough that lasted for approximately 6 weeks. The length of time and severity of my particular brand of "being sick" so alarmed one of my dear friends that she said during a phone call (during which I coughed and hacked until I saw stars and gasped for air), "Look, you're very sick. You've had this infection for weeks, and you lead a fairly sedentary life. This could literally KILL you!"

I was unmedicated, unseen by medical professionals, and it seemed, was only getting sicker. I am the one person in the familiy without insurance, you see. So, I would shuttle my monsters back and forth to doctors' appointments, run up to the pharmacy to get no less than 2 prescriptions per monster, all the while coughing and hacking like a 4 pack a day, 40 year smoker.

But when my friend told me that the infection could kill me because of my lifestyle, there it was. CLICK. I need to ..  it would be a very smart move for me to... (you realize, I'm having a heck of a time admitting to this).. yikes. Okay. I'm taking a deep breath. Here we go. I need to find a way to exercise that won't offend my life long voluntary allergy to putting on spandex and hopping and jiggling about in the midst of 45 perfectly toned, 12 pound little bodies. Let me let you in on a little secret. Women that weigh 12 pounds irritate me. They just do. And also? Women that say how much they loooooove to exercise? Should never come over to my house. Fair warning.

I used to joke about this : "I don't exercise! I would scare small children and household pets! It's a public service that I don't exercise, really!" And when the twinnies came along, there was this perfect, built in excuse. I can't leave home, because of Logan. There ya go. Can't exercise! Gee. Darn. So heartbroken about that. But, I run after 7 monsters all day long. That's exercise! And seriously, I only eat one meal a day, usually dinner, and usually at about 10 pm, or later. I'm not overindulging. I have a low calorie intake. I could go on for days with all the reasons/excuses I have. It's an art form for me.

But in the last few weeks, I've really felt the need to get in shape. I'm getting ill more often. I'm tired. I'm worn out just by doing normal, every day things. This is not good. Not good at all. And so, I'm going to do it. I just want y'all to know how much I'm hating saying all this. And it should be understood from the beginning that I plan to moan, and whine, and cry, and complain about it forevermore. It's my right as a fat woman. And at this point, even Mousercise is beyond my capability.

I remember my mother's workout videos. I have a deep and abiding hatred for Jane Fonda. So here's what I wanna know. How do y'all get your exercise in? The first person to mention pole dancing or procreation practice will be punished. Severely. In ways that you've not yet dreamed of.

I did have a short period of mental illness, when I loved everything Tae Bo. However, that was three pregnancies ago, and Billy Blanks makes me cry now. So bring it on, people. What *gulp* workout can you envision me doing? Your answers will be my entertainment for the day. Let's see how silly things get around here!

images lovingly provided by the Google when searching mousercise, I Love Lucy exercise, vintage exercise equipment

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