Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition - Bootcamp #review

It's that time of year again, when I absolutely hate the way I look. I take a vow to loathe anyone that weighs less than 600 pounds, looks good in a swimsuit, loses their baby weight within 45 minutes of giving birth, or who has a functional metabolism.

I start stalking the produce section as I grocery shop, fantasizing in my head that the Special K diet really *will* work, because I won't do it with sides of French toast and bacon this time. I tell myself that I don't need m&ms or any other form of chocolate. I make a halfhearted promise to myself that I will stop baking no matter how therapeutic it is late at night after a super dee duper stressful day. I vow to stop buying brown sugar and chocolate chips. I take out the yoga DVD and pretend that I love the soft, never irritated voice of the yoga witch who never sweats, grunts, or uses profanity as she smilingly twists herself into positions that normal people need the jaws of life and 16 fire fighters to get out of.

I remind myself how much better I felt last year when I lost 20 pounds in 6 weeks. I remind myself that it got easier every time I exercised, and how exhilarating it was when my pants started falling off my body.

And none of this lying to myself is working. The truth of the matter is, I hate cheerful workout instructors. They piss me off. Do *not* grin and say, "Only 60,000 crunches left to go! You can do it! You're stronger than you think!" No. I can't do it. I'm having delusions about Ben and Jerry right now, thank you very much. So you can take your happy crunches and...uh.. ahem. Sorry.

I despise people who don't sweat and curse and burst into sobs at the mention of aerobics. I need cranky, bitter exercise workouts. I need "have you LOST YOUR MIND?!" from the paid "beginner class" featured in the sessions. I need shrieks of "what fresh hell is THIS?!", so I know that I'm not the only one about to die. And you know, it wouldn't hurt to have some big, burly guy with a six pack shriek, "Medic! Man down!" as he writhes on the floor in excruciating pain during beginning warm up stretches. That would be groovy. I would smile, maybe.

So, imagine my delight when I got the opportunity to review the Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition - Bootcamp DVD from Lionsgate Home Entertainment. These would be real people, with real sweat and real edited out profanity! With real cellulite, and real cottage cheese thighs.  People who actually know what a caramel roll tastes like, and people who have eaten more than carrot sticks within the last 12 years. This could be awesome! Oh! Maybe someone will punch the instructor in the side of the head and run off with a chicken leg!! I was freaking hyper about this, if you want to know the truth. That is, until I realized that yes, these people would actually be... exercising. Well, crap. Foiled again.

It took two weeks, but I actually did unwrap the protective cellophane cover from the DVD. I broke a sweat and called it good. And then, I started having guilt about the review that I was supposed to write. But then, my pc died a horrible, stupid death, and I had to mourn, you know. SAVED by a "death in the family"!! But then the iPad arrived, and I was doomed. Doomed to exercise hell.

I braced myself by eating a package of oreos, and prepared to become intimately acquainted with Chris Powell, transformation specialist extraordinaire. Here's what I discovered:

• four fat blasting workouts is just another way of saying "You're still going to feel like you're about to die. Here's four choices for cause of death"
• "Melt inches" is instructor speak for "You will drown in your own sweat. Strap on the snorkel."
• "Calorie crushing", "Shred", and "sculpt" are all polite ways to tell you that you will never walk upright again.

All joking aside, here's the deal: this DVD offers a multitude of workout options that will work for anyone, regardless of their love/hate relationship with exercise.With the level options, warm up, and cool down, there are no more excuses for me not to exercise. Starting with Level 1 and working my way up as things get more manageable for me is a great way to get into exercising regularly again. I don't feel overwhelmed and incapable, because I'm sticking to a workout I can manage. And, if I ever get the urge to smash the TV so I won't have to hear Chris' voice, well.. there's a music only option available on the DVD for when I am familiar enough with the routines to do it on my own. The TV will live on.

Past contestants on the Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition show are featured as well, so it's not as intimidating for me.  This actually *is* the answer to my exercise needs. Think it's your answer too? You can find Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition - Bootcamp on DVD for the MSRP of  $14.98. Try it out, people. If *I*, the cynical, oreo loving mother of  7 with all the baby weight to prove it, can do it, y'all can. We'll totally cheer each other on. We'll become like those annoying skinny people on facebook with smiles that look like a mouth full of chicklets, and spray paint six packs on our bellies to embarrass our children. It'll be epic!

**Disclaimer** I received a free copy of Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition - Bootcamp for purposes of this review. Views and opinions expressed in this review are mine alone and were not compensated.

KLUTCHclub Health, Fitness, and Wellness for Women Delivered to Your Door

Hello, devoted Monster House Addicts! So much going on, so much to tell you! Darn my cranky internet, which has been sporadic at best, thanks to all kinds of high winds in the past week. We're better now, thank goodness. Today, I have news that will knock your cute lil socks off. Brace yourselves, people.

Earlier this month, I was contacted by the awesome people at Klutchclub. I have to be honest. When I first read the email asking if I might like to do a write up of their "Spring Clean Your Body" box, I laughed. I laughed, and I snorted, and I even thought, "Oh, you sweet little person that has no idea who I am. I am the blogger that dreams of bakers and chocolatiers, and hopes to go see Carlo's Bakery in person before I die. I don't dream in technicolor, I dream in Ben and Jerry!"

But, for some reason I didn't delete the email, and in a moment of weakness, I accepted the offer to review their April box. And the whole time between accepting and receiving, I berated myself: "Are you completely loony? You do realize that you're going to have to exercise and do a cleanse or something, right? Brownies are NOT cleansing!!"

And then.. the day came that the box arrived. It was actually pretty impressive. Check it out, people.

Included in my box (which is what was sent out to members in April) was:

• Kristin McGee's Power Yoga DVD
• $25 gift card to Yoga Hyde all natural organic yoga clothes and outfits
• ZICO Pure Premium Coconut Water
• Tea Forte SKIN SMART antioxidant amplifier tea, in  Cherry Marzipan, Cucumber Mint,and Honey Yuzu
• KIND bar (peanut butter and dark chocolate + protein.. yum!)
• Enjoy Life Plentils (lentil chips, which taste amazingly like baked potato chips.)
• Enjoy Life No Nuts! Seed and Fruit Mix (Double yum, with mini chocolate chips!)
• HyDrive Energy Drink Mix
• Barlean's Organic Flax Oil (Okay, I admit it. I'm too chicken to try this yet)
• Shea Terra Organics Rose Hips Black Soap Deep Pore Facial Wash ( which is supposed to be like microderm abrasion in a bottle). Contains whole herbs, oils, seeds and no artificial fragrances.

Are you ready for the shocker? Okay. I've been doing Yoga every day except Sunday for the last TWO AND A HALF WEEKS, people. And you know what? I LOVE IT!!! This is the exercise program I have been waiting for... I just didn't know it. This is probably the longest I have ever stuck with an exercise routine, and I look forward to doing it.  I. look. forward. to. it!!

So here's the amazingest part. Joining KLUTCHclub is simple and easy on the budget. For about $17.00 a month, depending on the subscription you choose, you will get a customized box of health, wellness, and fitness products shipped once a month right to your door to use in the convenience of your home.

Here's how it works:
Sign up and choose the membership that best fits YOUR life by creating a profile so the good people at KLUTCHclub can select products that best fit YOUR health, wellness, and fitness goals. Then, on the 15th of each month, your box will be shipped to you, containing over $50 of products that fit your lifestyle. AND, you'll receive additional promotions online, as well as having access to their blog which covers topics like beauty, beverages, cleanse, food, and health.

But wait, there's MORE! You can get 10% off in the month of May by entering the code BRIGHTPINK, ( don't shoot me, people. I know there's only 2 days left of it. Internet issues.) and 10% will also be donated to BrightPink for early detection, prevention, and awareness of breast and ovarian cancer. It just don't get much better than that!

You can find KLUTCHclub on their official site,  facebook, twitter, and Pinterest, too! But don't just take my word for how amazing KLUTCHclub is.. they've gotten a lot of good press lately from Glamour.com, VitalJuice, Shape, and Beauty Sweet Spot. Check it out, y'all! I promise you won't be disappointed.

And now.. I think I'll go do my yoga.

Messy, Sticky Globs Of Life

There comes a point where living under a rock and wallowing around in that fuzziness commonly known as depression is no longer productive. A point when the huge stack of Things That Are Not Going Well In Life topples over and threatens to bury you under. A point at which choosing between laughing or crying was "so last week". And also, the point when instead of avoiding writing because you're afraid you'll spill messy, sticky globs of Things That Are Not Going Well In Life all over the internet is no longer embarrassing but therapeutic. Here's the disclaimer. Messy, sticky globs of Things That Are Not Going Well In Life are about to be spilled all over the internet. Don your protective gear post haste. I'm about ready for my blanky and sippy cup now. I might start sucking my thumb at any moment.

• Monster #1 is about to undergo dental surgery next week. All four wisdom teeth removed, and a filling. In the same appointment. Because it seemed like a good idea to the Daddy at the time.
• Idiot ex #1 (yes. I have more than one ex. And yes, I have to number them, because most of the idiocy associated with ex husbands comes from the first. Not the second.) is about to descend upon the monster house. It's the one and only thing my precious #1 wanted for her 18th birthday. And, seeing as how this child has never once given me cause to worry, call law enforcement, or engaged in screaming warfare with her mother, I couldn't think of a single good reason to deny her that wish. Other than the fact that thinking about idiot ex #1 makes me nauseous and shaky and all kinds of "oh, this is a bad bad BAD idea" for multiple and very good reasons. Back to the point. He will descend upon the monster house a couple days post dental surgery. And he thinks he's calling all the shots. Growl.
• After all that fun and happiness, #1 needs braces. In a big way. There is some question about insurance covering it. If not, serious financial issues will commence, because this is no longer a vanity issue, but an ability to eat and speak issue for #1. Braces will happen. Period.
• The Daddy is having a health hiccup. And we don't really know what's going on yet, until tests are done at the beginning of April. But it could be bad... very very bad. We really hope it's not.
• On Monday, my car died. I don't mean it needs a new serpentine belt. I mean, it blew the head gasket, cracked the block, and burnt out the motor. And it died on the way home from taking #4 to get a booster shot. Of course. Because I was just dying to pay for a tow. 
• We now have to decide whether a "new" car or moving to town is more important. There are x amount of available dollars. The available dollars won't cover both. And I'm sick at heart, knowing how much my children need the resources available at other schools in town and having to choose between a better educational experience for them and a vehicle. It's not fair!
• The Daddy has been out of town this week ( there's a shocker). And so, all this fun with the toasted car has been buzzing through our Sprint cell tower. Multiple times. I was hung up on, on more than one occasion. Our mechanic has named me the Van Killer. That isn't helping. The good news, supposedly, is that the Daddy is no longer having homicidal thoughts toward me. The bad news is that he'll be home tonight, and we'll TALK. I think I'll get a note from my mother excusing me from that.
• The meltdowns with the twinnies have come back. In a big, BIG way. This morning? It took two of us and 45 minutes to dress a kicking, screaming #6. Also? #6 bites. Hard.

I am screaming for Galahad in my brain. I don't want to be a responsible adult anymore. I want our family to be rescued, somehow. No, I don't think that someone should purchase a car or house for us. I just want to be able to breathe without possibility of a panic attack at any given moment.

It has been 16 days since I last posted. And all that mess up there in the bullet points? Has happened in the last 16 days. So, I'll ask your forgiveness and understanding for being absent. I needed a little minute. A little minute that lasted 16 days.

I have missed all of you, and your comments. And I have avoided blogging like the plague, because I hate, hate, HATE "poor me" posts. But I figure it's better to spill messy sticky globs of Things That Are Not Going Well In Life all over the internet than have a complete nervous breakdown. Right? Right.

So. Don't give me sympathy, because honestly, we're all fine. Finances aren't, but we are. I'm not trying to tug at heart strings here. I just needed... some blogging therapy. So. That's the Monster House Update. How're YOU??

Hustle Yer Bustle

In December, the Monster House was struck down with varying degrees of Bronchitis, Walking Pneumonia, and colds. It was not a pretty sight. I had a persistent, not even remotely fun infection and cough that lasted for approximately 6 weeks. The length of time and severity of my particular brand of "being sick" so alarmed one of my dear friends that she said during a phone call (during which I coughed and hacked until I saw stars and gasped for air), "Look, you're very sick. You've had this infection for weeks, and you lead a fairly sedentary life. This could literally KILL you!"

I was unmedicated, unseen by medical professionals, and it seemed, was only getting sicker. I am the one person in the familiy without insurance, you see. So, I would shuttle my monsters back and forth to doctors' appointments, run up to the pharmacy to get no less than 2 prescriptions per monster, all the while coughing and hacking like a 4 pack a day, 40 year smoker.

But when my friend told me that the infection could kill me because of my lifestyle, there it was. CLICK. I need to ..  it would be a very smart move for me to... (you realize, I'm having a heck of a time admitting to this).. yikes. Okay. I'm taking a deep breath. Here we go. I need to find a way to exercise that won't offend my life long voluntary allergy to putting on spandex and hopping and jiggling about in the midst of 45 perfectly toned, 12 pound little bodies. Let me let you in on a little secret. Women that weigh 12 pounds irritate me. They just do. And also? Women that say how much they loooooove to exercise? Should never come over to my house. Fair warning.

I used to joke about this : "I don't exercise! I would scare small children and household pets! It's a public service that I don't exercise, really!" And when the twinnies came along, there was this perfect, built in excuse. I can't leave home, because of Logan. There ya go. Can't exercise! Gee. Darn. So heartbroken about that. But, I run after 7 monsters all day long. That's exercise! And seriously, I only eat one meal a day, usually dinner, and usually at about 10 pm, or later. I'm not overindulging. I have a low calorie intake. I could go on for days with all the reasons/excuses I have. It's an art form for me.

But in the last few weeks, I've really felt the need to get in shape. I'm getting ill more often. I'm tired. I'm worn out just by doing normal, every day things. This is not good. Not good at all. And so, I'm going to do it. I just want y'all to know how much I'm hating saying all this. And it should be understood from the beginning that I plan to moan, and whine, and cry, and complain about it forevermore. It's my right as a fat woman. And at this point, even Mousercise is beyond my capability.

I remember my mother's workout videos. I have a deep and abiding hatred for Jane Fonda. So here's what I wanna know. How do y'all get your exercise in? The first person to mention pole dancing or procreation practice will be punished. Severely. In ways that you've not yet dreamed of.

I did have a short period of mental illness, when I loved everything Tae Bo. However, that was three pregnancies ago, and Billy Blanks makes me cry now. So bring it on, people. What *gulp* workout can you envision me doing? Your answers will be my entertainment for the day. Let's see how silly things get around here!

images lovingly provided by the Google when searching mousercise, I Love Lucy exercise, vintage exercise equipment