Friday, February 8, 2013

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Momma's Hit the Wall

I have hit the wall. And hit it and hit it and hit it, and recovery is not going well. I really am past the point where I can back up and regroup. There is so much going on, all the time, and I just don't have the elasticity anymore. This Momma is having a little moment.

You know how people say, "I don't know how you do it!"? Well, I want to grab their faces in both hands, and say, "I don't know, either! Please find a new role model. Please. I beg you." I am cranky. I am sad.. a lot. I cry more now than I ever have in my life. Spare me the insta-diagnosis of depression. Little pills won't fix the trouble my #5 has in school, the freakish massive allergic reactions Logan has been having even while on meds, the perpetual anger and drama with my teens, and a multitude of other things pertaining to my family that I don't know how to deal with.

Here's the thing: I'm no different than anyone else. Certainly I'm no different than any other parent of special needs children. I'm no different than any other mother of a large family. The problem is, I forget. When I see other mothers, other families, out in public, I forget that we're out in public. I see well mannered children, smiling mothers, clean cars, creased khakis, combed hair. And I wonder, "Why? What is wrong with me, that I can't be like that and do all that, too? Why?! Why am I not Donna Reed?!?!"

Ok. Let's take a breath here. Donna Reed? Really? I want to be Donna Reed, and wear high heels while vacuuming, have facial muscle cramps from smiling all the time, remove an earring to talk on the phone, and apply makeup and style my hair as though I'd just walked out of the salon by no later than 5am? That's what I want? Don't let's be silly now.... I am far, far too in love with my yoga pants and hair clips to be able to embrace that nonsense!

But it's easy to feel inferior, inadequate, and ineffective. It's soooo easy to walk around feeling like I'm just spinning my wheels in this rut I've dug for myself. What's that line from Pretty Woman? "The bad stuff is easier to believe." And there's that one other issue; I feel like a hypocrite.

I have a blog (obviously). I write on this blog. I talk about my special needs son. And all the monsters. But, I created this blog specifically to find and share resources that would be helpful to other families with special needs kids. Here's the problem. Logan is doing great now. I mean, he's doing really, really great. And I feel like a hypocrite.

Now, in my rational mind, I know that he isn't "cured" (because there is no such thing). And I know that he still has struggles. And I know that his medical issues will never, ever go away. But it's hard to know all that in the Momma part of my mind, while sitting in a meeting discussing test results with the school, and having them tell me that he no longer qualifies for any services because clearly, none of his "issues" are affecting his ability to learn. I struggle with this every day. Am I a hypocrite? Is this all some wonky, ongoing bad dream? Are Logan's PDD, SPD, seizures, fine motor struggles, and allergies really figments of my imagination, as the Daddy insists? Realistically, no. They are not figments of my imagination. But I second guess myself every. single. day.

I have hit the wall. So where do I go from here? Online support is amazing. I love knowing that I'm not the only one. But I have to tell ya... I'd give about anything at this point for a hen party, friendly voice, some good news, a night off. Something.

hitting the wall by via the google images
donna reed and fam by via the google images
confused woman by

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